Ka Nupepa Kuokoa, Volume IX, Number 12, 19 March 1870 — English Column. [ARTICLE]

English Column.

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Who takcs thsn;T a? tiicy co;nc ? a tn:c!. Why is a Uiiooi» iiLe ?- Bc-cau.se it gi ves asccoU The feiiow who >pīit thc <i!fK-rcn:c is a . woodcfaopper. The most eommon cn«! with a sh«maker —Ris waxcii cnd. Bi£r on iee—A fckaier weighing two huudred and fi£fy. In a thnndcr-s!onn, always get into a railrr»ad whieh has a good condacfor. Young fo!ks fp"ovE- most when in love. It increases their sighs wonderfuiiy. A young farmer who inquired how best to i?Uirt a nur?erv was to!d to get marrie<i. 14 Honeity," «nid the late intelligeni X ** h the policv, but the worst dip!omacy ; j I haTe tried both/' Faber pot ?o fai on his penci!sthat be sel-j dom leaves his house. When he docs, he is i probable " }ead " out. i Wby is a man who spoils hb chiidren i like another who buiids cnbiies in the air ? Because he induiges ia fancy too mueh. " \Vhat »s the rause ol that bell% ringinf» V* inquired Wiiliam. " 1 ihink," said Jobn, * *' tbat somebody has pulle<f the rope/' •• Jake, lend mo ten dollars tiil I sell my j doref." Jake r**plic<i soothingly and ?ympa-; thica!iy " O. Ji:n ! I wouidn't seii him." S«-»me of the liosionians say they are : usuai!y at receivins specimens ol ; New *Hampshire granite, but they wouid | prefer not to have them eome packed in j htitter. ; Bcggar woinan : " Piease, sir, [nve me u ; penny to keep me irom siarving. r ' Genc: j '• Can'tstop; in a great hurry ; l ? ve got to j make a speech at the Society for ihe Reliefj of the Destitute." j M \Vho's ihat ccntleman, rny liuie man?"j was asked of an urchin. ,4 'lhat one with j the spiketniled coat?" 44 Ycs," was the re-i sponse, " Why hc % s a brevet unele of mine." j i4 How's thnt ?" was asked. 44 Cause he's en-! gaged to niy auni Mary." | Hushand— 11 Oh, Eugenie ! Euoenie !is it possib!e that yon persist in wearing the hair ofanother woman on your head ?" %ife — '• Oh, Aij>hoiisr.! Alphunse ! is it possible ti»at vou persist in wearing the skin of another call upon your foot ?" An ab>ent rnindcd gentleman, writing a letlcr at the brcakfast-tablc, dipped his pen in his coffce and continned his letter. Noticing his mistake, he put alump of sngar in the ink, and then finding his second blunder, pourcd the contents of the inkstand into the eoHl'e-oup to set it right. ln an intenscly Democratic county of California a numberof teachers were being exainined before the Couuty Board for the certificate. The questions werc printed and the nnswuns'in writing. One of the questions in hhLon/ reqnired the teacherto 4 ' give a brhf iiescription of ShermHn's march througl» Gcorgia." A Repub\ican teacher wrotc his answer, '• Like a dosc of salts." Henry Ward Beecher, retuming from chureh one Sunday, passed a number of specimens of " Young Amenea " amusing themselves with a game of marbles, mixed fancy with swearing. 44 My boy," s;iid i\lr. B. to an intcresting youth of eight years— 44 my boy, I am frightened." 44 Are you ?" answercd buttons, quite naively, 44 why the devil don't you run, then, ? Quakeress, jealousof herhusband, watched his movements, and one morning actually discovered the truant kissing and hugging the servant girl. Broadbrim was not long in discovering the face of his wife, as she pceped through the half open door. and rising with J ali the coolness of a generai officer, he thus j nddressed her: u Betsey: thee had better j qu»t peeping, or thee will cause a disturbance ! in the lamily." !

Mntrimonv i^—hot eake#, \varm bo«i,coinfortable slippers, smoking cotl'ee, roui)d arms, retl lips, kuul \vonis, shirts cxuiting in buttons,TedecTOcdstoekiugs,bootjaeks,hnppiness, etc. b!cs?etlnoss ij>—shect-iron quilts, hiue noses, frbstv rooms, lee in thc pitcher, linen, heciiess socks, cofTeo sweetencd with icicles,gutta percha biscuits, | rhenmatism,corns. ooughs, eoKl dinners, eolics, rhubarl\ nnd any amount of mi<ery. An Eastern cditor says that a mau in New York got himstdf into trouble by marryinii two \vivcs. A Wcstcrn cditor replies that a good many men had donc the same lhing bv marr) ing om\ A Northem editor says ilmt quitc a nun»lier of his acquaintances found trouble cnough bv barely proinising to marry, \vithout going any funher. A Southern edi:or caps the clinmx bv telling the story of a rnan who had niueh trouble in findiug any one to listcn lo his protnise to marry. Sev&.n Practical Kui.ks fos a Tkachkr.— L Xever attempt to t6ach whai you do not perf*?ctiy understand. 2, JS«ver teii a chiid \vhat you ean make thnt ehild teli you. 3. NevcrgiTc a pieee of information without usking for it again. i. Nevcr use a hard word when an easy one wiii answ«r, o. Never make a rule that you do not rig» idly cnforct% b« Nervr an unnecessary command. 7. No*er allow a child in a class without somethiug to do. Hcnry Ward Beed)er's vtetrs on thc atuusetuctu qu«stHHi are sound : He sats: %1 No amusvment is innoeem if it injures the paHieipanl. Errrv man Uiould leam to seleei and dbcriminau» plcasurv by hb owu \Vhere i« the man that eats a eerfcaiiv ankle ol hxxi heratisc it sttits the di« gesuo« of kis ? \Vhat man, when t*fcca iH, the apothecary and ask* him to fufnish ihe last ptv«cnpiK>n he put up for wne other man! Kmy nv\\\ »houM *«ct his acv"orditi<r to iu» Unstpēf, <iftuii*mi»ce» of life, t»tc, 6y dotng Iw vt\M_ W * Ktu»r ciūx»tt. a better frtvud, • hn* U»r Cbnit«Mi. lt ought tobe » |»art of tbe «»ty of the Chutvh to th*t peopie »tu happv, Amu*n»e«ts &hould be sortaU Hom« *hou«4 U* m.h aud attn<ltv<* w possibk>. ehttdf«n wil| m\ fwl ihai *ny P*acv ts Uappn* th«u ho«tn\^